I WANT TO GIVE UP

This past month and a half has been a trying one here at the Ramos household. About mid December we discovered my wife had a pulmonary embolism that completely brought our lives to a halt. By the grace of God she is ok and with enough time and rest will recover but we have had to make many adjustments along the way that have proven to be difficult. With this blood clot have come many other complications which mean many visits to the ER. Here recently after a 10 day streak with a throbbing headache, she had enough, due to the pulmonary embolism my wife has been on blood thinners which prevent her from taking any sort of pain relief. After taking her to the ER, they decided to transport her to a neighboring hospital to conduct an MRI. All of this taking place at 1 in the morning. By this time I was at home as we have small children, so after spending time with her at the hospital we decided it was best I go be with our girls.

When I got the call at 1 a.m that she was being sent to another hospital, I completely broke down. At that moment I realized just how exhausted I am, how all of this has worn me out. I have had my moments of frustration and even at times angry with God for all of this but it was at that moment that I simply wanted to check out, I wanted to quit. As I write this out, I can’t help but feel selfish and inconsiderate, what I am facing is no where near the size of the mountain my wife is currently climbing.

I have often though about a time when everything in life will go smoothly with no interruptions or hurdles to jump. A time when all is fine and everyone is happy. Where everyone wakes up in a great mood every single day with excitement to get the day started. A place where everyone joyfully skips and whistles jolly tunes on their way to work or school. A place that I know is not realistic and honestly after thinking about it, would probably become extremely boring after a while.

What I am learning through our current trial is that nothing in life will ever go as planned. There will never be the perfect day, much less the perfect month. The unexpected will be thrown at us daily at the speed of an MLB pitch. Punches in the form of life changing events will sneak through your defense like a Mike Tyson hook with enough force to put you on your back.

That day at 1 in the morning, I didn’t want to get back up, I wanted to quit but what story would I leave behind if this was where it all ended? What would be my legacy? Would there even be a legacy? Probably not.

Here is where things get tough. I have heard all the rhetoric that people usually say when someone is going through a tough time, the “God has a plan”, “Everything happens for a reason”, and “Everything will be ok just believe.” But the desire to keep moving forward has to come from something much deeper than mere words. I have to dig deep into myself to find the strength to keep crawling forward. I think about the times when blessing after blessing were being showered on me day after day. I think about the time we purchased our home, or the day we signed the lease for our current gym building, or here recently when we signed a contract to bring boxing to our local school district. I have also thought about the days I felt completely lost and without value. The days I would lose myself in drugs and alcohol just to feel something, the nights I spent in a jail cell wondering why I was even alive. Only to realize that I have come so far, so much has been accomplished and yet so much left to do…..

I want to give up……but I can’t….not today.